It's Valentines Day

It’s Valentine’s Day and I am a little surprised how close to the surface the tears have been today.  I was not expecting to be particularly sad today but somehow this day and maybe this week have been harder than normal.  I watched a short video on Vimeo (http://vimeo.com/45947083) featuring Skip Ryan and his wife a couple of days ago and could so identify with many of the things that they voiced about our identity in Christ. 

I had been thinking about some of these ideas already and where I am in my life at this point.  It seems as if there has been a good amount of loss- loss of Mark, of course, but also, loss of big pieces of my identity- Young life leader, Vail employee, etc.  I am not a quitter and all of these things have been a part of my life for quite some time – marriage, 36 years; Young Life, 40+ years; Vail, 12 of the 14 years that I have lived in Colorado. 

I have been thinking about how much of my identity has been wrapped up in each of these parts of my life, how much effort into making myself into a certain person that others will admire. Who am I really when all of this is gone?  When I am no longer the cool leader who hangs out with high school kids, or works for Vail and snowboards?  And who am I really apart from Mark?  Skip Ryan’s video hit close to home because I believe that God has removed Young Life and my Vail job from me, those things that aren't bad in and of themselves, but maybe have kept me from finding my identity in Him alone.  Because when it is all said and done, now and when I stand before my Father in Heaven, it is my identity in Christ that will make the difference and not what others think of me.  Who I am in Him – beloved adopted child of God, heir with Christ, follower, friend – will be the deciding factor of how I live for Him here and where I spend eternity. I know I belong to Him and will spend eternity with Him.  But in the end it is just me and God, that’s it, just me and God. How He knows me is vastly more important than  how I have seen my self in the eyes of everyone else.  

My desire is to truly know Him and be found in Him and to find my identity in Him and in nothing or no one else - to truly understand how very much He loves me and wants the best for me and will let nothing get in the way of His glory and my good, even when it may not look that good to me…

So, here I stand, without a husband, ministry, job, looking for what God is going to show me about who I am in Him.  It is not without a little fear that I ask Him to make me like Him and direct my steps in what He has for me next.   I may not know where He will lead but I am thankful that I do know Him- faithful, loving, just, merciful, long-suffering, powerful, and gracious Father. 

Isaiah 41:10  -  Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed , for I am your God; I will strengthen  you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Romans 8:32 – He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?

Once Upon A Time

I was sick a week or so ago and since I did not feel like doing anything I ended up watching 22 episodes of the TV show from last year, Once Upon A Time!  I obviously enjoyed it since I watched them all.  As I watched there was a moment in one episode (I have been trying to find it again, but after 2 solid days and 22 episodes it's all a little fuzzy!)  Henry, the little boy who believes that the people in his town of Storybrooke are fairy tale characters but don't remember who they are because of a curse, is asked by an adult why he believes this is true.  Henry answers with something like this - " Because I know that there has to be more than this."

As I thought about Henry's statement, it reminded me of a book that I have been reading lately called, Forever: Why We Can't Live Without It.  I would like to share some thoughts from that book that I have found to be helpful.  Paul David Tripp says that we are all hardwired for eternity.  It's that yearning that we all have that we can't really explain but we long for something more.   Although we may have eternity inside of us, because God put it there (‎Ec 3:11-He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart), we live as if we have, as he calls it, "eternity amnesia".

 He gives several consequences of this amnesia.  One of those consequences is that we don't have realistic expectations of what this world should be. We act as if this is all there is instead of the preparation for where we are going. How easy it is to get so wrapped up in our lives and our schedules and our plans that we forget to even think about God's plan and the future that He has mapped out for us.

Another consequence is that we become too self centered.  We don't look at the big picture- eternity, and Who is really in charge and Who is really the center of everything.  And it is not us! Another result affects our relationships because we want other people to be more and give us more than they can give and we end up very discouraged and disappointed.  No one can be or do what only God can do and be. Don't we want people to act like God and supply all we need and want?  We desire these wonderful and fulfilling relationships and we expect others to be all we need and they just can't do it.

We so want to have the peace that only God can give and that we will only have perfectly in eternity that we either try to control our lives or we live in fear.  The longings that we have don't mean that we are missing out on life (which we tend to think) but that we were meant for a different life somewhere else.

All our unrealistic expectations can also lead us to question God's character- is He really good?  If we don't understand that He has a perfect plan and that we don't know what that is we will surely be disappointed in this life full of suffering and trial and when we continue to be disappointed we will end up with little motivation and little hope.

And last of all, if we don't keep our eyes on eternity, then we will live life as if there are no consequences.  I have seen that lately in my own life.  I realized that in a lot of areas of my life I don't think that I will suffer the consequences of my actions, whatever they may be.  For example, I got botox shots in my hands because I was tired of them sweating all the time.  The doctor told me that it might make the muscles in my hands relax and I could have trouble holding things or picking up things.  Did I believe that it would happen to me? Absolutely not!  Did it?  Absolutely it did and is still not back to normal. ( I am not sure that the side effects are worth the dry hands!)  It happens all the time different areas in our life - I eat too much thinking that I won't gain weight, I drive too fast  :) thinking that I won't get a ticket...  We all have areas in our lives that we live as if we can do whatever we want and nothing will happen to us.

As I have continued to read this book, I am praying that God will help me to remember the big picture.  This is not all there is, He has a plan, and it is not necessarily my plan, but it is good and only He can satisfy my deepest longings now and in eternity.

A New Chapter

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

Change is actually not one of my favorite things but once again life is taking another turn.  As the summer comes to an end so does my time with Young Life for now and my time with this amazing group of girls that God has blessed me with for the last four years.  It hasn’t really hit me yet what life will be like without Young Life club on Monday nights, campaigners on Wednesdays, Grilled cheese on Thursdays, football, volleyball, basketball, leadership time and camps.  My life for the last 40+ years has centered on the school calendar and all that entails.  But, the Lord has definitely said that it is time for a break and right now there is peace in that decision. 

What that will look like is a whole other story!  I am just waiting and resting in the knowledge of His perfect love and plan for me.  In some ways it is exciting because the possibilities are numerous but in other ways it is certainly scary not to know what is ahead.

These precious young women and I have been saying good bye now for several months as we have prepared for their leaving for college.  The summer is always tricky in planning for campaigners but this summer we have been able to meet on a regular basis.  They have been coming by the house the last few days to say our last good- byes and to get in a few more hugs and tears.  We all decided to write letters to each other and those have been completed and they are dropping those off as well.  It has been a humbling experience to see what God has done in their lives over the last four years and to have had the privilege of being a part of His plan for each of them.  There are no words, actually, to describe how God has worked in this group and drawn us all together in a body of believers that has loved, forgiven, shown grace and encouraged one another.  I will be eternally grateful for my time with them.

I am hoping to use this blog as a way to connect with them as they are away and a way to begin writing again about what the Lord is doing in my life and what He is showing me about Himself.  I have missed the caring bridge page and hope that I can use this page to encourage these friends and whoever else happens on this journal. 

I will close with a quote from Winnie the Pooh that Lauren included in her letter to me.  Thanks,  Lauren.

“How Lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

Aaron's 35th Birthday ( a day late)

Yesterday was a tad frustrating to say the least. I had worked hours on the video for Aaron's Birthday and then could not get it to post anywhere. I finally got a suggestion from Kyle Oliphint about Vimeo and tried it out last night. It took about 30 minutes to download to their site and be ready with a link on facebook so I got it done this morning. I was hoping to link it here but am not sure it that will work or not. Try going to http://vimeo.com/37225525 or just go to my facebook page! Anyway, Happy Birthday to my firstborn and a blessing to my life. I am thankful for your love for the Lord and for your family, your sense of humor, your brain :), your help when I am lost on the computer and your life for the last 35 years. I love you.

How come the second year is harder?

On my way home from taking my Mom back to Tyler on New Year's Day, I had this crazy meltdown- out of nowhere, completely caught me off guard.  I called my dear friend Debbie, who totally understands, and the first thing she told me was " the second year is harder than the first".  Really.... not what I wanted to hear.  Why would this year be harder at Christmas when last year no one was here and this year everyone was here?  Why would this year be harder when God has so graciously comforted and provided continuously?  Maybe I just think that it should all be done and I am now okay for good.  I don't know, but I do know that God will continue to be faithful, even when I don't have a clue what is coming next or where He is going to lead me. He is much bigger than I ever thought and loves much more than I could ever have imagined.  I may feel lost and alone and scared some times but I can always come back to the truth that He will never leave me or forsake me.  As this new year begins, I pray that I will listen and wait on Him to show me what He wants and where He is leading.  I want to follow, I need to follow because I am truly lost without Him.

It has been quite a while since I last posted on this blog.  It seems strange not to be writing on Caringbridge any longer and I have not been able to start up again here.  After my Christmas Cookie Exchange today I went to get the mail and received the book that I had put together from all the Caringbridge journal entries, guestbook entries and other emails over the last 3 years.  It is a pretty good sized book.  I sat down and as I thumbed through the pages I wasn't sure that I wanted to read it all again.  Three years of life that I poured out the good, the bad and the really hard.  I don't know that I will try to read through it yet.  But there are also three years of prayers,  encouragement and such an outpouring of love from so many that I know the Lord will use those words of others again to bless me and to lift me up and remind me again of His great love for me.


I am missing Mark at this holiday time.  Not that I don't miss him every day and still sometimes think that he will come back through the door.  Has it really been over a year and a half?  It is hard to believe that time has passed so quickly.  I am thankful for all that the Lord has done in that time and for such faithful family and friends that still continue  to care for me.  I am truly blessed. 

Mark's Memorial Service

This is the video that Aaron made for Mark's Memorial service. I could not post it on caringbridge but wanted it to be available if you were not able to come to the service.

Happy Birthday, Aaron

What a sweet baby!

Lots of theme birthdays

Lake City

Another First Day of School

Basketball

Graduation

Another graduation

Wedding

Uncle "Anin"

Happy Birthday, Aaron!

Aaron, was born on President's Day, 1977. We were so excited and from that moment on he has brought us great joy and laughter. He learned to read by the time he was 3 and amazed us at how much he understood. He was a sweet baby, toddler and a great older brother (well, maybe we shouldn't talk about how he and Danny would throw Adam off the trampoline or how Aaron would swing Adam by his legs and his head would hit the couch!!!) and is a loving son.

Smart, knows what he thinks (and is not at all afraid to tell you!) loves God and desires to serve Him with his life. There were so many pictures and I wanted to get them all in here but will have to save them for a video at the next milestone birthday.

Speaking of pictures -

Love the first one, one of my old YL kids took this while Aaron was still in the hospital nursery.

The next picture is just one of many of the theme parties that we did for birthdays.

We have so many memories of our yearly trips to Lake City and I cherish every one of them and the fun we had every single year with grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and whoever else decided to come.

The next picture is one of the last first days of school. Every year I would go up to the school on the first day and take pictures of the boys and their teachers - even in high school. I even threatened to do it when we took them to college, too!!

The next picture is of Aaron's (and because it was such a small school, Adam's also) basketball team. I have such great memories of taking the guys to games and getting to watch them play together.

The next pic is of Aaron's graduating class. Yep, there are just four.

Another milestone was his graduation from seminary. That was a crazy year - broke my foot, moved to Colorado, planned a wedding, flew to graduation and back home and back for the next picture- Aaron and Leslie's wedding in May of 1999.

The last picture is so dear. Aaron loves to read (he and I would fight over reading the cereal box at breakfast). His sweet nephew, Burke, is following in his footsteps as you can see. Burke, loves his Uncle Anin (not quite got the Aaron yet).

I am so thankful for all the memories that I have of my firstborn. He is a blessing to us in so many ways and we love him more than he will ever know. Thank you, God, for such a son.

A Perfect Valentine

Beautiful Table

Chef Melissa

Sweetheart Steaks

Yummy Food

It has been awhile since I have posted anything and this seemed a wonderful way to start again. One of the leaders in our Young Life club, Kristi, got together with my campaigner girls and it was decided that they would have a personal chef treat us for Valentines Day.

Wow! Could there be anything better or make you feel more special and pampered than having a sweet, loving and competent chef come to your home and prepare delicious and beautiful food, serve you and your good friends Mary and Dave Carlson at your own table and clean up the mess afterwards??? Chef Melissa could you come live with us and cook our meals?

It was all perfect and as I wrote on the caringbridge site, God in His wisdom and goodness, sent a chef that had lost her husband 8 years ago. We got to talk while she was preparing the food (she was here from 2 until about 7) and really had some great conversation about a lot of things during that time. As she was leaving, she gave me her card, hugged me and said, "You can do this, call me anytime if you want to walk, talk,...".

I am continually amazed at how God orchestrates all the details in our lives. Kristi, the YL leader that had found Chef Melissa, had told me that she had emailed several possibilities but had gotten an email from Melissa and knew that she was the one. I had supposed that the connection was Young Life but was so glad to have someone that knows where I am right now and where I will be. It was such a perfect gift and we are very grateful and loved every minute of it.

Grace - getting what we don't deserve. I am always amazed by it.

Campaigners Christmas Tea

For the last few years I have been doing a Christmas Tea for my Young Life Campaigner girls. We have tea and scones and read the Christmas story and a story from A Christmas Longing. We sit around the table and talk and laugh and remember favorite Christmas memories. It is a fun time away from finals and a joy to be together. This year the girls brought a donation to give to Revive Africa - a ministry of Chris Shabay, one of my old YL club kids. I gave each of them one of my favorite books, Face to Face. It is a wonderful book of prayers that guides you to pray scripture back to God. It has been a huge blessing in my time with the Lord. I love these girls and thank God that I get to be a part of their lives.

The Christmas Squirrel

Caught in the act

Decorating?

Thief

As I was sitting at the computer this morning, I heard the sound of little feet by the window. I went outside and this was what I saw. I am just hoping that he is not going to use my flowers to decorate a nest in my attic!! If he thinks he is going to get something to eat he will be very surprised!

A Christmas Longing

A Christmas Longing
By Joni Eareckson Tada

This has to be my favorite book to read at Christmas. I have had it for many years and I think that I have given it as a gift to quite a few friends. I started reading it again today and remembered how much I love it. I want to quote from the story called" Create Your Christmas Spirit".

Joni begins by asking us to start the season by creating the Christmas Spirit by "adoring, worshiping, thinking, and meditating on all that the birth of the Lord Jesus means to you."
"Maybe that's why God puts those wistful longings in our hearts this time of year. He wants us to find the answer to those longings in the celebration of Jesus. He wants us to define that nostalgia as nothing more than a deep human desire to come home and adore His Son."

Do you have those longings, too? Longings for the perfect Christmas, for peace, for something that you just can't put a finger on. I do- and I try to fulfill it with so many other things. Christmas seems to make it harder because we are so busy deorating, buying and wrapping gifts, getting out our Christmas cards, going to parties, cooking and baking... The list goes on and on. When do we have the time to be "adoring, worshiping, thinking and meditating on all that the birth of our Lord Jesus means" to us?

Here is another quote that I read this morning -

"Modern civilization is so complex as to make the devotional life all but impossible. It wears us out by multiplying distractions and beats us down by destroying our solitude, where otherwise we might drink and renew our strength before going out to face the world again." - A.W. Tozer

I pray that this Christmas season that we will take time to adore our Savior and to let Him be the answer to our Christmas longings.

The Texas Tour

Center of Attention

Time to eat

The Muellers and La Bistro

The Atkins

Heather

Hudsons and Gentrys

The Bracks and Gentrys

Amarillo Friends

The Austins

Old Friends

Yummy

There were so many pictures and I couldn't put them all up. There were some of our friends that I did not get a picture of and I am sorry not to have gotten one. A lot of them are on my Facebook page though.

How do I describe this trip? Maybe the word joyous would sum it up. Seeing so many old friends, Mark getting to say good by to people we love and that love us, seeing the body of Christ work together... I was reminded once again of His great love and the huge blessing that He has poured out on us by giving us such amazing and loving friends. All that will remain in the end is His word and people- and we know some great ones.

I am just to thankful to each one that showed up to spend a little time with us. We got to visit all the places that God has led us over the last 35+ years, from high school buddies in Wichita Falls and Henrietta, to Amarillo, the Mid Cities and Tyler. There was great joy, laughter and a few tears as we talked of our shared history and the future. What a blessing to see old and dear YL club kids (who by the way are not kids anymore!), family, high school and work friends, neighbors and brothers and sisters from former churches and Young Life. It was truly a gift to be able to make the trip and will bring a smile to my face every time I remember this Thanksgiving.

Oh, and that last picture- probably the best dessert ever!

Snow Day

Burke on the sled

Lot's of Snow

We had more snow this weekend and Burke and I got out and enjoyed the storm. I got my workout pulling him in the sled around the back yard. I think he would have liked to go faster!

Crazy Monkey

This has been a pretty tough week around our house but we saw some smiles as Burke dressed up in his monkey costume for Halloween. He was sooo cute going to friend's houses saying Trick or Treat and "tank too" (Thank you). He did love the candy but did not want it in the bag but in his hand so that he could see it and eat it!! I'm with him. Adam and Kirstin have been coming down every weekend to be with us and it has been such a joy to spend time with them and Burke keeps us laughing.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

The Backyard

As you can see it is snowing like crazy here. The bottom picture is the rock wall in the back and the rocks are completely covered in snow. It started snowing Tuesday night and has continued non stop and is still going today (Thursday). I have used the snow blower twice and will probably have to do it again. I tried to take Toby out in the park to try out my new snowshoes and he got to our neighbors house next to the entrance to the park and wouldn't go any farther. I have to admit that it is pretty hard for him to walk in snow deeper than he is!

Well, I am still dressed in my snow duds and better go for a walk if I am ever going to go. Someone said that the wind chill is something below zero and it is not getting any warmer. Hope your day is as beautiful as ours. Looks just like Christmas!

Happy Birthday, Adam

SurpriseGreat Hostesess

Happy Birthday, Dad

I guess once I made Mark's video I just decided to keep going. I made this for Adam for his 30th birthday which is today. We had a surprise party for him last night at Carla and Mark's in Denver. He was very surprised and Kirstin had asked everyone to bring gift cards to fast food places so he can eat out at lunch during school. He loved it! We had lots of wonderful food -ribs, nachos, salad, corn casserole, cake... Mark and Carla did a great job of hosting and cooking and Jordan was there to see to all the crafty details.

It has been a joy to see Adam grow into the godly, caring man that he has become. We are blessed by his servant's heart and love for his family.

Mark's Birthday

I was going to put up a picture but decided to put the video that I made for Mark's birthday. I told someone that I needed to put a disclaimer on it saying the words don't always fit the pictures and that the first two verses need to be switched! I would have done it if I could. The song is Remember When by Alan Jackson and I had thought about making a video from it for our anniversary and didn't get it done. There were so many great pictures of friends and family that I wanted to include but there was not enough time. I am so thankful that I have had the time to do this and to write Mark a long letter for his birthday to tell him how blessed I am to be married to him and how he had made my life so wonderful. He is an amazing, strong, godly man and we are all much better for him being in our life.

Time with Burke

We have gotten to spend some wonderful time with Burke and Adam and Kirstin lately. Burke spent the night Wednesday night and we had a great time and laughed a lot. He is just so much fun.

He is very verbal and we don't always know what he is talking about but the one name that he always gets right is Papa-and Papa loves it. These times are so precious and bring such joy to our hearts.

Frontier Ranch 1969

The summer of 1969 has been called the summer of love. Forty years ago thousands of people flooded into a music festival now known as Woodstock. But for a 16 year old girl from Texas, August of 1969 was truly a summer of love. While others were celebrating at Woodstock, I was being drawn to Christ at Frontier Ranch.

Young Life started my sophomore year at Rider High School in Wichita Falls, Texas, through the efforts of Bob and Gloria Seabury and others who had a vision for bringing Young Life to our town.

When it came time to sign up for camp that first year, I knew that I wanted to be on that bus. The problem was that my parents could not afford to send me. When I found out that there were 10 scholarships available and that I could go to camp for $50, my parents agreed to let me go. I got the last scholarship left!

I often think about the people who made that trip possible and would love for them to know that because of their generosity a young girl came to Christ, went on work crew the next summer, summer staff the next summer and began as a Young Life leader her freshman year in college and now 40 years later still works in a Young Life club sharing the gospel with high school kids in club, campaigners and cabin time.

As I sit on the deck of the Kachina this August, remembering and reflecting, eternally grateful for their gift, I would love for them to know that my life has never been the same and that thousands of teenagers have heard the good news of God's amazing love because of their gift.
I have truly been blessed by all the lives God has let me be a part of and have had the incredible privilege of getting to be a part of God's work in the lives of high school kids. It has been a great 40 years!